Mum guilt. You’re grabbing a coffee with a friend at supersonic speed whilst your child is at sports practice. You are trying to enjoy the rare moment of uninterrupted adult talk, yet your mind keeps bringing up chores, shopping lists and endless tasks that you could be doing instead. Sounds familiar? Welcome to mum guilt! 

Mum guilt seems comparable to the €200 you collect when you pass “GO’ during a Monopoly game. At some point when giving birth to your child, it feels like you picked up a life supply of mum guilt. It is like the role of being a mum is mutually exclusive to any other role you have in life. Maintaining the rest of the roles you have in life comes with a good dose of mum guilt on the daily. 

How mum guilt presents itself

Mum guilt can manifest in different ways, such as:

• feeling guilty for not spending enough time with your children
• feeling guilty for taking time for yourself
• Or, feeling guilty for not being able to provide everything your children want or need.

The truth is that mum guilt is a common experience, and it is not a reflection of your ability to parent or love your children.

Why do we feel this way?

We all have our own beliefs of what makes a good mum.

Our beliefs are not as free formed as we think they are though. We start making sense of the world based on how we see the adults around us behaving, talking and thinking from when we are little. So, our ideas about life in general, including motherhood, are formed over many years of absorbing messages from our families, society, education and religion. 

Therefore, many years later, when our beliefs end up not aligning with our reality, mum guilt hits (and sticks around, unless we show it the door).

Common mum guilt traps

You believe that a mum should be a stay-at-home parent, yet your family needs 2 incomes to thrive. Every time you drop off your child at nursery on your way to work you are riddled with guilt because you believe that your child should be at home with you – anything other than that for you means a disservice from your end towards your child. 

Throw in the digital world we live in, where we have the lovely opportunity of comparing ourselves to others 24/7. Whilst we know that everything on social media sparkles a thousand times more than in real life, whilst we know that behind the scenes the situation is different, whilst we know that we all have our unique realities – we still fall for it and find ourselves thinking that we’re failing to be the amazing mum we set out to be.

How to overcome mum guilt

Motherhood is a transformative experience that can bring immense joy and fulfilment to a woman’s life. However, if you’re not aware, it is very easy to lose yourself in the process of raising children. Being a mother is just one aspect of a woman’s identity, and it’s possible to maintain a sense of self while also being a great mother. 

There is no overnight remedy for mum guilt. If I had a quick fix for it, I’d be enjoying my own mum guilt on my private island somewhere exotic. 

However, there are things we can do that help us reduce mum guilt and enjoy all our identities in life with less mum guilt.

5 tips you may find useful

1.     Stop and think about your beliefs.
Find a smidge of quiet time and ask yourself: why do I believe what I believe about motherhood? Considering our lifestyle/financial needs etc, what would be a more supportive view of motherhood at this point in my life?

2.     Look around you: especially at older parents with older kids.
Do you see the vastness of parenting styles, parenting ideologies? Can you spot how different they are in their approaches to each other? Do you notice some similarities? The kids turned out fine. So, this means that whichever way you choose you’ll get it right for some stuff and less right for others. Use this to judge yourself less and allow yourself to be human.

3.     The kids turned out fine. NOT PERFECT.
Striving for perfection is a good chunk of mum guilt. Let go of perfection and stop trying to make your child’s life a living fairy-tale. It’s fine if they leave the house with a stained top, if you don’t keep on top of every outing or birthday party. Your child thrives when you are happy, when they feel safe with you. They care far less for perfection than you think.

4.     Your child thrives when you are happy.
This means that you owe it to yourself (and to your child) to invest in your own happiness and care. Schedule time (even if it’s for a short while) for your own learning, fun, self-care, adult time with your partner, working out….or whatever fills your heart and keeps you healthy.

5.     Recognise that you are not alone.
Many mothers experience feelings of mum guilt or self-doubt, and it’s important to recognise that you are not alone in these feelings. Talking to other mothers or seeking professional help can help you realise that these feelings are common and normal.

Parenting is damn hard. And, it’s a huge responsibility. Being directly accountable to raising a decent human being with good morals is anything but a joke. Give some credit to yourself for navigating this tough project without a manual and make sure to take care of yourself. You’re doing your best, and that’s amazing! You should be proud of yourself. 

Love,

Olivia xxx

PS: This is where you can learn more about Olivia and what she does through Ethical Living:
Website: www.ethicalliving.eu, Instagram, Facebook, or Linkedin.