Does your child regularly have meltdowns or temper tantrums after school? If so, you’re not alone. In fact, this type of behaviour is so common that there’s even a name for it: after-school restraint collapse.

I first learned about it when my daughter started Kinder 1. She’s normally quite easygoing and her teacher didn’t have any complaints about her behaviour at school, but after she got home, it was another story. 

I quickly learned that lots of other mums are also dealing with this, and now that it’s mostly behind us, I’ll explain why this happens and share my best tips for getting through those tough afternoons. 

What causes after-school restraint collapse?

Lots of children experience after-school restraint collapse, especially when they’re starting school for the first time or beginning a new school year. They manage to hold it together all day at school, behaving as expected and keeping cool emotionally – but that’s a lot to ask of a child, and they often need to release their true emotions once they’re home in a safe place with their parents. Lucky us!

Being at school all day and doing everything that is asked of them can leave kids emotionally and physically drained, and it’s easy to see why. Think about it: when you get home from work, do you really feel like talking about your day the minute you walk in the door, or would you rather just sit down and unwind for a few minutes?

Your child needs to let emotions out

It can feel like all the upset that hit you during your work day has been building up, and you need to release it – and that’s what happens to your child, too. They’ve just gone through challenges, expectations and disappointments without the safety net of their parents, and now they just need to let that bubble burst.

Kids who are more sensitive or those with learning problems are more susceptible, but it can affect anyone. It can also manifest differently depending on your child’s personality. For example, some kids might get weepy or start screaming instead of having an all-out tantrum, while older children might be disrespectful. 

Here are a few tips for dealing with after-school restraint collapse, no matter which type you’re facing. 

1. Find a way for your child to decompress when the school day is over.

This is my number-one tip for handling after-school restraint collapse meltdowns. There are lots of ways your child can unwind after school, and making a habit of it can help them work through the intense emotions in a more restrained way. 

Whether it’s listening to music, going for a walk or bike ride, colouring, or just sitting quietly, the safety and predictability of a decompression routine right after school can quell that emotional tumult. Choose the activity that works best, and devote at least 15 minutes to it every day after school.

2. Silence is golden.

I missed my daughter when she was at school and couldn’t wait to hear about her day, but I found that resisting my urge to bombard her with questions as soon as I saw her made a big difference. 

Avoid forcing big conversations right after school. Stick to small comments, like pointing out something on the side of the road, or play some music on the way home instead of talking to give your child time to regroup.

3. Stay connected.

Your separation from your child during the school day is part of the problem, so try to find ways to help them feel connected to you even when you’re apart. Send them off to school with a hand full of kisses from you or leave a note or photo of the two of you inside their backpack. 

If you have time in the morning, try to do something together before school, even if it’s just reading a short story.

4. When meltdowns happen, defuse the situation gently.

Despite your best efforts, you won’t be able to prevent restraint collapse from happening all the time. When you’re in the midst of a meltdown, remind yourself that it’s probably something that simply needed to happen today. Give your child space, and limit your dialogue to sympathetic comments like “You’ve had a long day, haven’t you?” 

Once your little one has calmed down completely, let them know you love them, even when they’re acting that way, and then move on. 

I know how frustrating after-school restraint collapse can be, but once you understand why it’s happening and learn to give your child time and space to decompress, you’ll see a big difference. You’ve got this, mama! 

PS: It’s camping weekend, so no live has been scheduled. Do follow me on Instagram stories to see what we’re up to!