Ask an Expert: Advice from a Sleep Coach

Daniela Sammut Mendez, certified ‘Gentle Sleep Coach’, answers your questions about your child’s sleep routine, habits and techniques.  Read on for invaluable advice from a sleep coach.

I recently announced on social media that a sleep coach would be contributing to the Mama Manual.  I urged you all to post what questions they would like to ask in relation to the topic.  We all crave a good night’s sleep, and not all of us are so lucky to have had an easy time in the sleep department.

You posted quite a bit of interesting questions, and Daniela was kind enough to go to great detail.  Mamas, what you are about to read is priceless information.  My advice to you is – grab a cuppa, put you legs up, and enjoy taking it all in!

1.  What are some early measures mamas can take to start easing their babies into good sleep habits?

Kids thrive on routine, because it makes them feel in control, they know what to expect and they therefore feel at ease.
Babies’ bodies are designed to help them settle into a consistent routine.  If you stick to the same bedtime routine everyday, your baby will become sleepy at the same time everyday.
A good bedtime routine should form part of your baby’s life from newborn.  A warm bath, baby massage, a feed and a cuddle with mama are an exemplary routine.  Be consistent with this routine from the day you come home from hospital with your little one.
A good piece of advice is to avoid using props such as rockers or swings.  Newborns are naturally drowsy little beings, and they do not need much to help them go to sleep.  When your newborn is ready to go to sleep, put him down in his cot.  Let him grasp the self-learnt skill of sleep.  This will avoid him becoming dependant on any props or habits such as rocking.

2.  Several breastfed babies do not fall asleep if not attached to their mama’s breast.  Sometimes this carries on until two years of age or more.  What advice can you give to these mums?

If you are a mum to a breastfeeding toddler, first of all, kudos to you!  It takes a lot of time and energy to keep up at breastfeeding for so long, even more so if you have more kids!
Getting a good night’s sleep does not mean you will need to stop breastfeeding your toddler if you do not want to.  What you need to do is break the breast/sleep habit and association.
Decide on a good bedtime routine for your child, figure out a plan and method you feel comfortable with and talk to your child about your decision.  It is important to stick to your guns and stay consistent in whatever way you choose to move forward.  Your little one will cry and will be moody for the first couple of days. Offer them love, comfort and support in other ways and make sure you overcompensate with a lot of quality time.  Do make sure that you get your toddler to bed on time.  Being overtired will only make matters worse!

3.  Typically, when should a baby be ready to sleep all throughout the night?  What can one do if our little ones keep waking up for their feeds past this age?

Usually babies develop sleep patterns between 5 and 10 months of age.  In the case of premature babies, you should focus on the adjusted age (For example, a 10-week-old who was born 8 weeks early has an adjusted age of two weeks).  Once babies go through the infamous 4 month sleep regression stage, they start to go through the stages of sleep.  I call this ‘sleep progression’ – as they would be starting to teach themselves sleep skills.
If your baby keeps waking up for a feed past 5-10 months, my question would be: does he need it?   If your baby is growing well, it is usually a matter of habit and feeding is not necessary.  I would suggest that you ask your paediatrician for further advice on this.
I understand that parents are sometimes concerned their baby is not eating enough during the day, hence, this is why they keep up the night feeds.  Be aware however, that once your baby knows he can depend on being fed during the night, he will feed less during the day!  This has been proven time and time again during my practice.  Babies who have been taken off their night feed have had an improvement on their food intake during the day.

4.  Do you have any tips for mamas whose babies only sleep in their arms, and cry the moment they are put in their cots?

Imagine you are peacefully asleep in your warm bed, and all of a sudden, you have been moved to a less comfortable place.  Would you wake up?  Your baby feels the same way when you put him down after being cuddled in your arms.  His cot is unfamiliar and unwelcoming.
First off, find out how much and when your child should be sleeping.  He should be getting the ideal number of naps as well as adequate hours of sleep.  Always avoid letting your child become overtired.  Following a routine is the starting point.
Yes, your child will very likely cry when you start to introduce sleeping in a cot.
Here’s an idea of how to tackle this:
Hold your child in your arms until he is half asleep, and then put him down in his cot.  Stay close to him and sing to him or hold his hands.  If he starts to cry so hard that you have to pick him up, don’t worry.  Pick him up, calm him down and then repeat the steps above, for as many times as you need to.
This is only one of the many methods available.  Finding the right one can be somewhat tricky, as every situation is unique.

5. How does one go about moving their child out of their own bed?  Should the technique differ from one age to another?

The only difference that age makes in this case is that habit is further ingrained in older children.  A baby or child being moved out of his mama’s bed will go through a number of emotions.  Inconsolable crying, resisting change, being scared and doubting if they are able to sleep in their bed are all common reactions.  If you’ve already tried to make this change and you’ve given in, he knows that if he cries hard enough or makes himself sick you will change your mind.
It is possible to make this change if you are consistent.  You must show your child that you will keep your word, and reward them in little ways as they make the transition.  Be gentle and hold them through the tears, but firmly let your child know he must sleep in his bed.  You can sit with him for a while whilst he starts dozing off, or hold his hand to assure him that you are there.  If your child is older, let him have a say in this.  Ask him what bedtime routine he would prefer; this should encourage cooperation.

6. Is it the norm for a toddler not to be able to sleep on their own, without a parent staying with them until they fall asleep?  How can one break this cycle?

This is a very common habit, and as common as other sleep habits such as sleeping with a bottle, only falling to sleep in the car and so on.  Take a firm decision to stop doing this, and speak to your toddler about it.
Depending on your toddler’s age, you can use a ‘sleep manners chart‘ to encourage positive bedtime behaviour.  Another option is to assure your toddler that you will check on him every five minutes.  Keep your word, and check in for a few brief seconds.  Once again, tears will make their appearance, but don’t let them faze you.  Keep your eyes on the prize and be firm, loving and supportive by calmly talking to your child and spending ‘special’ quality time together everyday before bedtime. 

7.  In continuation to the above, what can mamas do when their toddlers wake up during the night calling out for them?  These toddlers do not go back to sleep unless their mama stays next to them until they go back to sleep.

We all wake up during the night at some point or other.  This is a natural part of the sleep process.  We sleep in cycles called REM and non-REM sleep.  Every time one sleep cycle finishes, there are a few moments where one is awake before the next cycle begins.
For the child who has not learnt to put himself to sleep, this is alarming.  Once the child wakes up to find himself alone, he will call you.  The best thing you can do is work on teaching your child to put himself to sleep on his own at bedtime.  Once your child grasps this skill, he will put himself happily back to sleep during the night.

8.  Bedtime stalling.  I’m sure you’ve heard of the ever-popular scenario where littles prolong their bedtime for as long as they possibly can by coming up with a million and one requests. ‘I’m hungry’, ‘I need to use the toilet’, ‘I forgot to kiss dad’ are just a few.  This situation is very trying and tricky too.  Help!

Rest assured that this is very normal infant behaviour!  Toddlers are constantly testing their parents and their boundaries, and this is vital to their learning process.  If your toddler is overtired, such behaviour is accentuated.
First of all, assess the situation and see if the demands are reasonable.  Your toddler might indeed be hungry or need to use the bathroom.  If this is the case, be prepared for the next night.  Offer a non-salty snack before bed (I say ‘non-salty’ to deter from making your child thirsty, and as a result having to use the toilet again).  Do not offer drinks after dinner, and take your child to the toilet before going to bed.
Now that you are prepared, you need to establish boundaries.  As the bedtime routine is taking place, specifically voice what is about to happen.  ‘This is daddy’s last kiss for today’, or ‘let’s go to the toilet for the last time before you wake up’ or ‘we’ve read two books together, this one will be the last one for today’ are all perfect examples.  Finally, hold on to your word.  See this as an opportunity to show your child that mama’s word should be taken seriously.

9.  Most Kindergarten schools run until a little past 2pm.  This means that kids which used to nap now stop napping.  How do we handle littles who are so exhausted after school that their behaviour is unusually challenging?  Most of these kids do not want to nap, and neither do us mamas want them to nap so late in fear of upsetting their bedtime.  Your advice on this?

This is a period of adaptation, and the unusually challenging behaviour post-school is not just related to dropping the nap.  Your child is experiencing a lot of changes and is not yet sure of how to express feelings and emotions at school.  Home is your child’s safe place, and all the pent-up emotions come rushing out the moment they arrive.
Lovingly acknowledge your child’s feelings.  Be extra patient and kind.  Do not ask your child to stop crying, as it will only make it worse.  Your child needs to cry his tears of exhaustion without feeling like there is something wrong with him.  Usually the storm passes after 20 minutes or so.  Offer food and some quiet time, as well as an earlier bedtime.

10. Some babies and toddlers nap for way too little throughout the day, resulting in an unhappy, tired child later on in the day.  How can mamas encourage their baby or toddler to nap for longer?

Most babies take short naps because they have not yet developed sleep patterns.  Once a baby is 6 months old, he is usually capable of putting himself to sleep and also take longer naps.
As a rule of thumb, see that you are putting your child down for a nap at an appropriate time.  Do not over-stimulate your little one or he will not go to sleep.  Put your baby down for a nap in a soothing, dark, cool and quiet place.  You can use the same cot your baby sleep’s in during nighttime.  Use a white noise device to mask any sounds coming from the rest of the house or outside.
A brilliant tip is the following.  Time your baby’s nap, and 10 minutes before his usual wake-up time do the following:. move your baby ever so gently or make a few shushing noises.  This will encourage him to connect sleep cycles, and instead of waking up at the end of his light sleep (called REM sleep), he will transition into deeper sleep (non-REM sleep).  If your baby sighs, or stirs, take it as a sign that he has managed to transition into a deeper sleep cycle.  Keeping this up will definitely help, as your baby will learn to transition from one sleep cycle to the next without waking up unnecessarily.

11.  How can one get their baby or toddler to stop waking up so early?

If your child wakes up before 6am, there must be a valid reason for it.  A late bedtime, being awake for too long in-between naps or sleep deprivation are all common causes.  Be aware however that kids are more aware of their circadian rhythm than adults.  This is an internal clock that works in tandem with the sunlight, and therefore alerts the body that it is time to wake up.  Therefore it is perfectly normal for children to be up at 6am to 7am.  As they grow, they will start sleeping in, as we all wish they would do on a Sunday morning 🙂

Wow!  Thank you for all the information Daniela!  You’ve been great!

You can find more information about Daniela and her services by visiting her Facebook page or her website.

Here’s a little bio on Daniela Sammut Mendez

Daniela is originally from Venezuela and her two girls are her greatest teachers.  Inspired by the help she offered to her family in relation to better sleep habits, Daniela decided to take sleep coaching seriously and make a career out of it.  Today, she is certified as a ‘Gentle Sleep Coach’ and has helped a large number of families reclaim their sleep.